Wolverwon't

Don't. Just don't go and see Wolverine.

I was fortunate enough to have recently viewed the highly illegally released work print of the recent Wolverine movie. Now before you shout out to me from the rooftops that you are so fond of that I could not possibly review the movie as it is not finished yet. Rowlocks to you. Also, this is not a movie review. This is a rant.

Let me clarify that the movie was in now way finalised state. CG was missing throughout, with large grey blocks of graphics representing an airplane, and several green screen parts along with wires visible. I can ignore all that.

In fact I actually think the action scenes were really good, even if they were just half finished. It's the plot that I take issue with. Something that won't be changed before May 1st. It's the bastardisation of a series of comic books that I actually liked.

Wolverine is not a great comic book. I don't particularly care for it. Deadpool on the other hand, is perhaps the only good comic book Marvel have ever released. It was on the "To be axed list" for so long that the story writers were pretty much able to get away with murder. Asking Kitty Pride if she likes Street Fighter 2 and then uppercutting her whilst saying "HADOKEN!"? No problem. Going out on dates with Death? Most months. Fighting Wolverine just to figure something out completely unconnected with Wolverine? Why not! Having a Psychologist who has a giant bell for a head? Of course!

Then there was the banter. Deadpool was known as a merc with a mouth. This was a shadow of the truth. This is the man that called the Silver Surfer "Everybodies favourite hood ornament". He even claimed, having just made a huge speech, to have the power to make huge speeches mid-leap. This mutant was sent from the gods of character writers to the comedians of Marvel and they delivered.

He only had one super power. It was the regeneration thing that Wolverine is so famous for. Except his wasn't as quick, and left scarring alot. It was imperfect, like the character himself. When he died, he would spend the time with his woman. Death. That's right, this guy romances Death into the bedroom. There is no other mutant that could do that. Not a one.

Then some idiot got hold of it. Some idiot who just happened to need a bad guy for the new Wolverine Movie. I have attempted to bring his conversational process up from what it actually was, to something that you, the reader, will be able to understand. It has not been dumbed down in any way, in fact it has been "clevered up".

Writer - Daaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Neeeeedeee villan.

Marvel Guy - Well here you go buddy, just take any of these guys from the comic books.

Writer - duuuuaaaaaa dum dom dea...

Marvel - Yeah buddy no problem, we got that guy! What did you say his name was again?

Writer - Deaauuuuuurrrrrrrrr per per per deadpool.

Marvel - Deadpool? Never heard of him. Do what you like!


That is pretty much all I have on the transcript in front of me. There is a bit that is smudged, but I have to assume that's the drool from the autistic writers mouth that fell on the page.

I would put SPOILER ALERT at this point, as there is nothing worse than reading something in a film you are yet to watch, like say, someone telling you that Rosebud is the name of his childhood sleigh. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. But I won't.

Deadpool, suffice to say was a great comic book character, but when put into the movies, has been literally raped. In the wounds. There are several problems I have with what happened, and they are thus.

1) Powers. In the comics, Deadpool has just the one power. The regeneration. That works. It makes him. In the film, he has ALL the powers. half the film is actually the story of one mans quest to go kill or capture a bunch of mutants, and take some DNA from the dead ones in order to make Deadpool a reality. They basically just chuck a load of mutant power DNA into a blender and Deadpool drinks the cocktail. Retarded at best I'm sure you will agree, but in movie land, this is complicated stuff. That means Deadpool gets ALL the powers. He has regeneration, he has giant adamantium coated samurai swords coming out of his hands, he has teleportation, he has Cyclops' eye blast. Talk about overpowered. It's also like giving Wolverine telekinesis or the power of flight. I mean he just doesn't have it.

2) Talking. In the comic books, Deadpool is actually known and called the "Merc with a mouth". Because he is a mercenary that loves to talk. the clue is in the name. In fact the most shocking panels in Deadpool comics are because he is not speaking. He is funny to boot. As in actual comedy. Like Graham Linhan writes. In the movie, his mouth is sewn shut. How can you get something that wrong?

3) Adamantium. Deadpool never had adamantium put over his skeleton. Never. He has those bone style of skeletons. The ones that people like you or Heath Ledger have. Or had. In the movie, he is being "bonded" right up until the last fight. At least he got to defeat Juma's men like Jack Bauer did.

4) Remote control cars. There are none in either the comics or the movie. But one Col. Striker has somehow managed to stick a remote control in a person (Deadpool for the obvious conclusion inept) and control them using what can only be described as an Apple II from the 1980's. How and Why?


Apart from these points of stupidity, the movie was not particularly bad, the action scenes were very actiony, Captain Picard is in it, the day is saved, kinda, and Gambits New Orleans accent is almost one dimensional, if indeed that's what I actually heard. Maybe it was just a sound artifact.

There was one more thing that irked me though. It was during the scene where Wolverine gets his adamantium skeleton. He dies. He comes back to life. Fair enough, that happens to people who regenerate. It's the bit where he dies though. All the military generals and colonels are gathered around, all waiting to see what will happen, and if it will be a successful experiment. He dies, just after having been coated in indestructible material.

Think about that for a second. A military operation, that, like all military operations, has to be completely deniable. These bright minds of future technology have just made indestructible evidence. Wow. Just WOW. It's a good thing Wolverine came back to life and took the evidence with him, otherwise there would have been a right stink.

If you like the comics, do not go to see Wolverine. You will feel cheated.

If you like indestructible claws and sweaty muscular men, go have yourself a time.