It's been a while since I updaetd this backwards section of the internet, so I thought I would give both you lucky readers a treat and mysteriously update for no apparent reason other than I finally have some spare time on my hands.
So, on to the topic at hand. Valves. Valves are great, and most probably a lost technology upon the youth of today. Valves were used in the creation of televisual units the world over. All TV's contained them, and now we have brushed them aside in the never ending march towards the Normandy beaches of our technological futures. All but some that is.
Some of us embrace the valves. Some of us like Dilinger and Lemon D. Dilinger and Lemon D spent an entire year of their lives dedicated to valves. So much so that the fruit of their labour was even named after valves. They were interested in the valves for their unique properties. Those properties being firmly rooted in the realms of BASS.
Dilinger and Lemon D made the Valve sound system. This is something HUGE. It will only fit into three 7.5 ton lorries. It commands respect.
A little background to the sound system. The terrible two (Dilinger and Lemon D) spent as previously stated, a year finding the right parts, testing them all out, then building first in theory, then in practise, the worlds only drum and bass sound system.
I recently had the opportunity to experience said sound system in the UK. I do not even have the words to describe it. Unfathomable is one of the words I do not have. Amazing is another.
My only problem was getting in. As someone well past their prime, I do not need to show ID on such a regular basis that I carry it around with me, certainly not in the UK anyway. Sweden and their ridiculous alcohol age verification laws are another matter. It was my fault though. It did say "ID Required" on the ticket in really really small letters. I should have seen those. Obviously I got to the queue and discovered that there was no entry without ID, as advertised on the ticket. So, off to the bus garage I went, looking forwards to the next three hours travelling to pick up my passport and get back to the gig.
It was worse than I could possibly have imagined. The valve gig was at the Indigo O2, the kind of place they put acts that are never going to hit the big time, come back to play at the O2 Arena, and see how gipped they were on the changing rooms the first time around. Girls a-frikkin-loud were playing at the O2 Arena, and they had obviously just kicked out the hordes of screaming pre-teens dressed in a menagerie of flashing devil horns and cowboy hats. What suprised me most was the quantity of ladies older than myself that were present.
Perhaps they rely on them to sell the full set of tickets, I mean there can't be THAT many pre-teens that like Girls-a-Loud? Can there? Either way, I was on a bus that was basically made of oestrogen. Oestrogen wheels, oestrogen seats, even oestrogen tailpipe (make of that what you will). All of them, to a man (?) singing despicable trite tunes like some blood-sung chorus of harpies.
An hour. An earth hour I had to endure this girlish nightmare, only to be delivered into an even stranger situation.
I am at Waterloo station, seeking my bus route home. I find it on the map and arrive in time to get the last bus home, Darwin knows how I am going to get back this way. There are two men arguing at the bus stop as I approach them. One is screaming at the other in Polish. The other, is screaming back at the Polish guy, except in Russian. They were both swinging wildly at each other. All the punches were falling half a foot short of thier targets as they were both steadfast in their commitment to not moving an inch despite the extra reach it would give them.
I had to get past them to view map, so walked gingerly round them, ducking blows where appropriate. As I approached the map, one of them turned, eyed me and declared me a "Curva". Now that is not such a nice word. In fact it would not normally be permitted on this blog with the exception that it is not an English word. I gave the man in question a quizzical look, and then he said without a shadow of an accent "Oh I'm terribly sorry, that was very rude of me".
Shocked was not the word, taken aback was two and a half. I perused the state of this youth before me. He must have been no older than 21, and he bore the markings of someone who had been on "Having it Large". There was dried blood pasting the skin below both ears, gravity obviously having been inverted through 90 degrees at some point based solely on the wonderful right angles the blood made. Like dried russet bugger-grips. He also had a slit throat. I kid you not, this mans throat was exposed for all the world to see. Well, the bits inbetween the staples holding it together were. I could see this man's larynx.
NHS job. Or at least it was that or home surgery. We exchanged a few pleasantries and some cigarettes. His girl had left him and he was so upset he tried taking his own life. In the 24 hours since though, he had had a revelation and decided to live out his years profitably, whatever that means.
The bus arrived, I moved the two Easterners about 8 inches nearer towards one another each, and got on it. They did not start trading blows immediately, but I like to think I helped them thrrough a tough spot.
The rest of the return to the gig went entirely without incident. A cab was called and mounted. Ridden and paid for. When I got back to the gig, the line had magically disappeared, proving that given enough time (3 hours), even bouncers can process through 150 people. I arrived, presented my passport on top of my ticket, and they took the ticket and waved me in. No-one looked at my passport. No-one cared that I was obviously over 18 anymore. It was just when there were lots of kids to impress that they wanted to check my ID.
Ridiculous. Ineptitude, many other words can be used to describe the security at the O2 event.
I was searched. I was searched by the only man I think could kill a T2000. Huge was not the word. Wall-like in his stature is doing the man an injustice. He made a very thorough (not as thorough as they would have at an airport or policestation) search of me, and declaring me fit for purpose allowed me entry. At no point whatsoever did he take heed of the opaque white plastic bag that I was carrying. It could have contained guns, knives, nukes, sharpsticks. Any number of Alien busting hardware could have been in there. Fortunately for me it was just some silk and 4 pairs of earplugs.
The rest of the evening also pased without incident. So my closing statement is thusly.
If you ever, EVER, get a chance to see and hear the valve sound system, then do so. It is something you will never forget. The tinitus won't let you.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Wolverwon't
Don't. Just don't go and see Wolverine.
I was fortunate enough to have recently viewed the highly illegally released work print of the recent Wolverine movie. Now before you shout out to me from the rooftops that you are so fond of that I could not possibly review the movie as it is not finished yet. Rowlocks to you. Also, this is not a movie review. This is a rant.
Let me clarify that the movie was in now way finalised state. CG was missing throughout, with large grey blocks of graphics representing an airplane, and several green screen parts along with wires visible. I can ignore all that.
In fact I actually think the action scenes were really good, even if they were just half finished. It's the plot that I take issue with. Something that won't be changed before May 1st. It's the bastardisation of a series of comic books that I actually liked.
Wolverine is not a great comic book. I don't particularly care for it. Deadpool on the other hand, is perhaps the only good comic book Marvel have ever released. It was on the "To be axed list" for so long that the story writers were pretty much able to get away with murder. Asking Kitty Pride if she likes Street Fighter 2 and then uppercutting her whilst saying "HADOKEN!"? No problem. Going out on dates with Death? Most months. Fighting Wolverine just to figure something out completely unconnected with Wolverine? Why not! Having a Psychologist who has a giant bell for a head? Of course!
Then there was the banter. Deadpool was known as a merc with a mouth. This was a shadow of the truth. This is the man that called the Silver Surfer "Everybodies favourite hood ornament". He even claimed, having just made a huge speech, to have the power to make huge speeches mid-leap. This mutant was sent from the gods of character writers to the comedians of Marvel and they delivered.
He only had one super power. It was the regeneration thing that Wolverine is so famous for. Except his wasn't as quick, and left scarring alot. It was imperfect, like the character himself. When he died, he would spend the time with his woman. Death. That's right, this guy romances Death into the bedroom. There is no other mutant that could do that. Not a one.
Then some idiot got hold of it. Some idiot who just happened to need a bad guy for the new Wolverine Movie. I have attempted to bring his conversational process up from what it actually was, to something that you, the reader, will be able to understand. It has not been dumbed down in any way, in fact it has been "clevered up".
Writer - Daaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Neeeeedeee villan.
Marvel Guy - Well here you go buddy, just take any of these guys from the comic books.
Writer - duuuuaaaaaa dum dom dea...
Marvel - Yeah buddy no problem, we got that guy! What did you say his name was again?
Writer - Deaauuuuuurrrrrrrrr per per per deadpool.
Marvel - Deadpool? Never heard of him. Do what you like!
That is pretty much all I have on the transcript in front of me. There is a bit that is smudged, but I have to assume that's the drool from the autistic writers mouth that fell on the page.
I would put SPOILER ALERT at this point, as there is nothing worse than reading something in a film you are yet to watch, like say, someone telling you that Rosebud is the name of his childhood sleigh. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. But I won't.
Deadpool, suffice to say was a great comic book character, but when put into the movies, has been literally raped. In the wounds. There are several problems I have with what happened, and they are thus.
1) Powers. In the comics, Deadpool has just the one power. The regeneration. That works. It makes him. In the film, he has ALL the powers. half the film is actually the story of one mans quest to go kill or capture a bunch of mutants, and take some DNA from the dead ones in order to make Deadpool a reality. They basically just chuck a load of mutant power DNA into a blender and Deadpool drinks the cocktail. Retarded at best I'm sure you will agree, but in movie land, this is complicated stuff. That means Deadpool gets ALL the powers. He has regeneration, he has giant adamantium coated samurai swords coming out of his hands, he has teleportation, he has Cyclops' eye blast. Talk about overpowered. It's also like giving Wolverine telekinesis or the power of flight. I mean he just doesn't have it.
2) Talking. In the comic books, Deadpool is actually known and called the "Merc with a mouth". Because he is a mercenary that loves to talk. the clue is in the name. In fact the most shocking panels in Deadpool comics are because he is not speaking. He is funny to boot. As in actual comedy. Like Graham Linhan writes. In the movie, his mouth is sewn shut. How can you get something that wrong?
3) Adamantium. Deadpool never had adamantium put over his skeleton. Never. He has those bone style of skeletons. The ones that people like you or Heath Ledger have. Or had. In the movie, he is being "bonded" right up until the last fight. At least he got to defeat Juma's men like Jack Bauer did.
4) Remote control cars. There are none in either the comics or the movie. But one Col. Striker has somehow managed to stick a remote control in a person (Deadpool for the obvious conclusion inept) and control them using what can only be described as an Apple II from the 1980's. How and Why?
Apart from these points of stupidity, the movie was not particularly bad, the action scenes were very actiony, Captain Picard is in it, the day is saved, kinda, and Gambits New Orleans accent is almost one dimensional, if indeed that's what I actually heard. Maybe it was just a sound artifact.
There was one more thing that irked me though. It was during the scene where Wolverine gets his adamantium skeleton. He dies. He comes back to life. Fair enough, that happens to people who regenerate. It's the bit where he dies though. All the military generals and colonels are gathered around, all waiting to see what will happen, and if it will be a successful experiment. He dies, just after having been coated in indestructible material.
Think about that for a second. A military operation, that, like all military operations, has to be completely deniable. These bright minds of future technology have just made indestructible evidence. Wow. Just WOW. It's a good thing Wolverine came back to life and took the evidence with him, otherwise there would have been a right stink.
If you like the comics, do not go to see Wolverine. You will feel cheated.
If you like indestructible claws and sweaty muscular men, go have yourself a time.
I was fortunate enough to have recently viewed the highly illegally released work print of the recent Wolverine movie. Now before you shout out to me from the rooftops that you are so fond of that I could not possibly review the movie as it is not finished yet. Rowlocks to you. Also, this is not a movie review. This is a rant.
Let me clarify that the movie was in now way finalised state. CG was missing throughout, with large grey blocks of graphics representing an airplane, and several green screen parts along with wires visible. I can ignore all that.
In fact I actually think the action scenes were really good, even if they were just half finished. It's the plot that I take issue with. Something that won't be changed before May 1st. It's the bastardisation of a series of comic books that I actually liked.
Wolverine is not a great comic book. I don't particularly care for it. Deadpool on the other hand, is perhaps the only good comic book Marvel have ever released. It was on the "To be axed list" for so long that the story writers were pretty much able to get away with murder. Asking Kitty Pride if she likes Street Fighter 2 and then uppercutting her whilst saying "HADOKEN!"? No problem. Going out on dates with Death? Most months. Fighting Wolverine just to figure something out completely unconnected with Wolverine? Why not! Having a Psychologist who has a giant bell for a head? Of course!
Then there was the banter. Deadpool was known as a merc with a mouth. This was a shadow of the truth. This is the man that called the Silver Surfer "Everybodies favourite hood ornament". He even claimed, having just made a huge speech, to have the power to make huge speeches mid-leap. This mutant was sent from the gods of character writers to the comedians of Marvel and they delivered.
He only had one super power. It was the regeneration thing that Wolverine is so famous for. Except his wasn't as quick, and left scarring alot. It was imperfect, like the character himself. When he died, he would spend the time with his woman. Death. That's right, this guy romances Death into the bedroom. There is no other mutant that could do that. Not a one.
Then some idiot got hold of it. Some idiot who just happened to need a bad guy for the new Wolverine Movie. I have attempted to bring his conversational process up from what it actually was, to something that you, the reader, will be able to understand. It has not been dumbed down in any way, in fact it has been "clevered up".
Writer - Daaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Neeeeedeee villan.
Marvel Guy - Well here you go buddy, just take any of these guys from the comic books.
Writer - duuuuaaaaaa dum dom dea...
Marvel - Yeah buddy no problem, we got that guy! What did you say his name was again?
Writer - Deaauuuuuurrrrrrrrr per per per deadpool.
Marvel - Deadpool? Never heard of him. Do what you like!
That is pretty much all I have on the transcript in front of me. There is a bit that is smudged, but I have to assume that's the drool from the autistic writers mouth that fell on the page.
I would put SPOILER ALERT at this point, as there is nothing worse than reading something in a film you are yet to watch, like say, someone telling you that Rosebud is the name of his childhood sleigh. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. But I won't.
Deadpool, suffice to say was a great comic book character, but when put into the movies, has been literally raped. In the wounds. There are several problems I have with what happened, and they are thus.
1) Powers. In the comics, Deadpool has just the one power. The regeneration. That works. It makes him. In the film, he has ALL the powers. half the film is actually the story of one mans quest to go kill or capture a bunch of mutants, and take some DNA from the dead ones in order to make Deadpool a reality. They basically just chuck a load of mutant power DNA into a blender and Deadpool drinks the cocktail. Retarded at best I'm sure you will agree, but in movie land, this is complicated stuff. That means Deadpool gets ALL the powers. He has regeneration, he has giant adamantium coated samurai swords coming out of his hands, he has teleportation, he has Cyclops' eye blast. Talk about overpowered. It's also like giving Wolverine telekinesis or the power of flight. I mean he just doesn't have it.
2) Talking. In the comic books, Deadpool is actually known and called the "Merc with a mouth". Because he is a mercenary that loves to talk. the clue is in the name. In fact the most shocking panels in Deadpool comics are because he is not speaking. He is funny to boot. As in actual comedy. Like Graham Linhan writes. In the movie, his mouth is sewn shut. How can you get something that wrong?
3) Adamantium. Deadpool never had adamantium put over his skeleton. Never. He has those bone style of skeletons. The ones that people like you or Heath Ledger have. Or had. In the movie, he is being "bonded" right up until the last fight. At least he got to defeat Juma's men like Jack Bauer did.
4) Remote control cars. There are none in either the comics or the movie. But one Col. Striker has somehow managed to stick a remote control in a person (Deadpool for the obvious conclusion inept) and control them using what can only be described as an Apple II from the 1980's. How and Why?
Apart from these points of stupidity, the movie was not particularly bad, the action scenes were very actiony, Captain Picard is in it, the day is saved, kinda, and Gambits New Orleans accent is almost one dimensional, if indeed that's what I actually heard. Maybe it was just a sound artifact.
There was one more thing that irked me though. It was during the scene where Wolverine gets his adamantium skeleton. He dies. He comes back to life. Fair enough, that happens to people who regenerate. It's the bit where he dies though. All the military generals and colonels are gathered around, all waiting to see what will happen, and if it will be a successful experiment. He dies, just after having been coated in indestructible material.
Think about that for a second. A military operation, that, like all military operations, has to be completely deniable. These bright minds of future technology have just made indestructible evidence. Wow. Just WOW. It's a good thing Wolverine came back to life and took the evidence with him, otherwise there would have been a right stink.
If you like the comics, do not go to see Wolverine. You will feel cheated.
If you like indestructible claws and sweaty muscular men, go have yourself a time.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Religions
The 15 minute post.
I want my lunch, yet I want to update this before then. Then is in 15 minutes. Now 14.
To complete the post in the time necessary, I have decided to take a cheap shot at something everyone seems to either accept and almost ignore, despite the fact that it factors greatly in their lives.
Religions should chuff off and take a bowl of my chode for the journey to snack 'ponst.
I mean really. What the hell (see what i did there?) is their problem? I mean believing in something is all fine and dandy. I mean I completely believe that I shall live forever. If I were to have a rational argument with someone, then the conversation would probably go something like this.
GAME OVER - "I will live forever."
Religous - "Prove it."
GAME OVER - "It cannot be proved, you just have to believe it."
Religous - "You can't just say you have to believe, you have to prove it. Just saying that something is true puts the onus of truth and proof on you to come forwards with said truth and proof."
GAME OVER - "You mean like your religion?"
Religous - "I hate you."
At this point I would normally hand them a ticket and tell them to get in line with all the other Religous persons. I shall not though.
HOWEVER, were I to switch the roles around, the conversation might go a little something like this.
Religous - "I believe I shall live forever in the kingdom of God."
GAME OVER - "Not only are you wrong, but I call upon you to prove your claims."
Religous - "It cannot be proven, you must believe in the power of something that is three things at once, yet one thing the whole time. You must put your faith in Jesus to be saved."
GAME OVER - "So you cannot prove what you are saying, yet you are telling me that it is the truth?"
Religous - "Presactly."
GAME OVER - "I hate you."
Religous - "I will always love you as the Lord Jesus does."
GAME OVER - "If he loves me, then I can let him go, and he will come back? Does he love me enough to accept me into heaven without accepting him as the one true god?"
Religous - "I hate you."
These are ACTUAL FACTUAL conversations that I have encountered by religions. As you see I am mainly going on about Christianity, simply because it is the one I know most about. I have heard talk of people going easy on the Muslims due to the possibility of uprisings. Hmmm... The Crusades anyone? Those Christian guys were straight in there converting the "unbelievers".
The Muslims seem to have equally crazy ideas. I mean women have to wear a sheet like some kind of 1920's minstrel bands' stand in ghost.
STOP WITH THE IDIOCY. You do realise you are killing humanity don't you?
What kind of God sets a time limit to Armageddon? Think about it. If your a Catholic, and you are LITERALLY JUST BORN when the second coming of christ occurs, you are well and truly boned. I mean you could not have been baptised in that small amount of time, nor christened. You would be going STRAIGHT TO HELL. For a decision you did not make.
Way to go oh "loving one".
The fundaMENTALists are the worst though. The ones that think the bible is literally true, and that god put mineral and oil deposits in the ground and put the dinosaur skeletons there to "fool us". Check these guys out. These are transcripts from a fundamentalist websites. Actors have been used to protect the morans.
If Atheists ruled the world
I want my lunch, yet I want to update this before then. Then is in 15 minutes. Now 14.
To complete the post in the time necessary, I have decided to take a cheap shot at something everyone seems to either accept and almost ignore, despite the fact that it factors greatly in their lives.
Religions should chuff off and take a bowl of my chode for the journey to snack 'ponst.
I mean really. What the hell (see what i did there?) is their problem? I mean believing in something is all fine and dandy. I mean I completely believe that I shall live forever. If I were to have a rational argument with someone, then the conversation would probably go something like this.
GAME OVER - "I will live forever."
Religous - "Prove it."
GAME OVER - "It cannot be proved, you just have to believe it."
Religous - "You can't just say you have to believe, you have to prove it. Just saying that something is true puts the onus of truth and proof on you to come forwards with said truth and proof."
GAME OVER - "You mean like your religion?"
Religous - "I hate you."
At this point I would normally hand them a ticket and tell them to get in line with all the other Religous persons. I shall not though.
HOWEVER, were I to switch the roles around, the conversation might go a little something like this.
Religous - "I believe I shall live forever in the kingdom of God."
GAME OVER - "Not only are you wrong, but I call upon you to prove your claims."
Religous - "It cannot be proven, you must believe in the power of something that is three things at once, yet one thing the whole time. You must put your faith in Jesus to be saved."
GAME OVER - "So you cannot prove what you are saying, yet you are telling me that it is the truth?"
Religous - "Presactly."
GAME OVER - "I hate you."
Religous - "I will always love you as the Lord Jesus does."
GAME OVER - "If he loves me, then I can let him go, and he will come back? Does he love me enough to accept me into heaven without accepting him as the one true god?"
Religous - "I hate you."
These are ACTUAL FACTUAL conversations that I have encountered by religions. As you see I am mainly going on about Christianity, simply because it is the one I know most about. I have heard talk of people going easy on the Muslims due to the possibility of uprisings. Hmmm... The Crusades anyone? Those Christian guys were straight in there converting the "unbelievers".
The Muslims seem to have equally crazy ideas. I mean women have to wear a sheet like some kind of 1920's minstrel bands' stand in ghost.
STOP WITH THE IDIOCY. You do realise you are killing humanity don't you?
What kind of God sets a time limit to Armageddon? Think about it. If your a Catholic, and you are LITERALLY JUST BORN when the second coming of christ occurs, you are well and truly boned. I mean you could not have been baptised in that small amount of time, nor christened. You would be going STRAIGHT TO HELL. For a decision you did not make.
Way to go oh "loving one".
The fundaMENTALists are the worst though. The ones that think the bible is literally true, and that god put mineral and oil deposits in the ground and put the dinosaur skeletons there to "fool us". Check these guys out. These are transcripts from a fundamentalist websites. Actors have been used to protect the morans.
If Atheists ruled the world
Im 21 seconds over my timelimit.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Italy
Now lets get something straight here. I do not dislike Italians. I do not dislike Italy. In fact in the last year I have even been there of my own volition. The food was amazing, the weather beautiful, and the company both. What irks me about this leg kicking a football like nation is it's government. In fact it's not even it's government, it's just the people that run said government.
In a few of you this may conjure images of the Cosa Nostra taking meetings with the democratically elected Prime Minister to let him know what his public policy will be looking like for the next few years. In others, images of Italian Gordon Brown's and Tony Blairs, or God forbid, an Italian moran like George Bush, but more Italian obviously, running about talking up the war on terror and taking tea with the Queen of England.
You would most likely all be wrong.
It's this Berlusconi bloke that is the problem. He is what you call a magnate. That is not the kind that you manipulate to make an Etch-a-Sketch drawing. It's the kind that owns alot of stuff. In this case it is newspapers and magazines. He is like the Rupert Murdoch of Italy.
Like Rupert Murdcoh, or children, he really does not like it when people express an opinion of him that differs to his own. If someone straight out calls him 'whack', then he is all like 'Oh no you didn't!'. Cue epic cat fight. You know the record, it's been played so many times before.
Normally, this is fine. I say normally, I mean only in democracies, as those are the only places one person can get away with doing something like that. Rupert Murdoch and Silvio Berlusconi are both from democracies if you needed any more proof, which of course you didn't.
Controlling the news is essential in controlling the minds of the populace. What the unfastened coins brigade call sheeple. Surely enough, as Fox News convinces people that Bill O'Reilly is a serious investigative journalist and skilled debater, after a while the masses become complicit with the forced opinion thrust upon them by the machineries of a man who controls at least half of all the media in the country.
The worst part is yet to come though. He wants to ban The Internet. Not only is he the (barring the good old Cosa Nostra) most powerful man in Italy, but it seems he is also the most stupid. OK so he doesn't want to ban the Internet, he just wants to make it illegal in some senses. Say this very medium you are reading now.
Blogging. Something that is so distasteful that I can barely force myself to do it more than once a week lest I break down in tears from the sheer force of will I must exert into becoming one of them. It may also just be apathy.
There is a new law in debate in Italy's Parliament. It says that bloggers should register with the government. Basically so that the state can gain control of the last unregulated and truly free medium. All the national papers in Italy take financial backing from the state. Hi Ho Silvio owns half the TV stations, the state owns the other half, with one left to pick up the crumbs.
I, am right now, doing something that in a few short months may be illegal in Italy. Just typing some words into a web browser. That's all. That could be illegal.
What next? Ban certain combinations of words in sentences, so that you can't 'diss The Man'. "The Prime Minister bribed Tessa Jowell's husband", "Hi ho Silvio used to be part of a masonic lodge tasked with reshaping Italian politics toward a more authoritarian regime" and "The Man's TV companies abuse their frequency ranges" may all become illegal. Where does the madness stop?
If you want to regulate blogs and get the bloggers to sign up, as is the plan now, how much money do you think that will cost? I mean these people have come out in their millions now that they just have to turn the box on the desk on to reach the rest of the world. Getting them to register by post will not work with people who only use computers because they are too lazy to buy stamps and use them.
It's going to have to be electronic. Nothing governments ever do on the Internet ever works out.
The Italian government are going to get stung by the series of tubes. They will overestimate their ability to use it, and overestimate bloggers ability to not FUBAR things.
I suppose it's alright really, as the paper work and impracticality of it all, along with unfastened coins, is just immense. Huge. Gigantic. Like Hi Ho Silvio's barrel chest.
Still at least they make fine automobiles.
Freedom FTW!
In a few of you this may conjure images of the Cosa Nostra taking meetings with the democratically elected Prime Minister to let him know what his public policy will be looking like for the next few years. In others, images of Italian Gordon Brown's and Tony Blairs, or God forbid, an Italian moran like George Bush, but more Italian obviously, running about talking up the war on terror and taking tea with the Queen of England.
You would most likely all be wrong.
It's this Berlusconi bloke that is the problem. He is what you call a magnate. That is not the kind that you manipulate to make an Etch-a-Sketch drawing. It's the kind that owns alot of stuff. In this case it is newspapers and magazines. He is like the Rupert Murdoch of Italy.
Like Rupert Murdcoh, or children, he really does not like it when people express an opinion of him that differs to his own. If someone straight out calls him 'whack', then he is all like 'Oh no you didn't!'. Cue epic cat fight. You know the record, it's been played so many times before.
Normally, this is fine. I say normally, I mean only in democracies, as those are the only places one person can get away with doing something like that. Rupert Murdoch and Silvio Berlusconi are both from democracies if you needed any more proof, which of course you didn't.
Controlling the news is essential in controlling the minds of the populace. What the unfastened coins brigade call sheeple. Surely enough, as Fox News convinces people that Bill O'Reilly is a serious investigative journalist and skilled debater, after a while the masses become complicit with the forced opinion thrust upon them by the machineries of a man who controls at least half of all the media in the country.
The worst part is yet to come though. He wants to ban The Internet. Not only is he the (barring the good old Cosa Nostra) most powerful man in Italy, but it seems he is also the most stupid. OK so he doesn't want to ban the Internet, he just wants to make it illegal in some senses. Say this very medium you are reading now.
Blogging. Something that is so distasteful that I can barely force myself to do it more than once a week lest I break down in tears from the sheer force of will I must exert into becoming one of them. It may also just be apathy.
There is a new law in debate in Italy's Parliament. It says that bloggers should register with the government. Basically so that the state can gain control of the last unregulated and truly free medium. All the national papers in Italy take financial backing from the state. Hi Ho Silvio owns half the TV stations, the state owns the other half, with one left to pick up the crumbs.
I, am right now, doing something that in a few short months may be illegal in Italy. Just typing some words into a web browser. That's all. That could be illegal.
What next? Ban certain combinations of words in sentences, so that you can't 'diss The Man'. "The Prime Minister bribed Tessa Jowell's husband", "Hi ho Silvio used to be part of a masonic lodge tasked with reshaping Italian politics toward a more authoritarian regime" and "The Man's TV companies abuse their frequency ranges" may all become illegal. Where does the madness stop?
If you want to regulate blogs and get the bloggers to sign up, as is the plan now, how much money do you think that will cost? I mean these people have come out in their millions now that they just have to turn the box on the desk on to reach the rest of the world. Getting them to register by post will not work with people who only use computers because they are too lazy to buy stamps and use them.
It's going to have to be electronic. Nothing governments ever do on the Internet ever works out.
The Italian government are going to get stung by the series of tubes. They will overestimate their ability to use it, and overestimate bloggers ability to not FUBAR things.
I suppose it's alright really, as the paper work and impracticality of it all, along with unfastened coins, is just immense. Huge. Gigantic. Like Hi Ho Silvio's barrel chest.
Still at least they make fine automobiles.
Freedom FTW!
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Fanboys
There is nothing worse in this world than a fanboy. OK, perhaps a fanboy of Shellshock 2, but nothing else. They are also still a fanboy.
I am a moderator in one of those most vicious of message boards, an Internet forum. Forums are supposed to be for like minded individuals posting things of relevant interest for all the community. They rarely live up to this expectation. Most of the time they are vitriol (one of my personal interests) infested pits of the worst part of the Internet. The part that is not free movies via bit torrent or porn. So about 2% then.
Fanboys, wikipedia would have us believe, are people that are devoted to one single subject in an emotional and fanatical manner. In fact it may be true to say that I am a vitriol fanboy. But let's not.
I have to come into contact with fanboys on a regular basis, and it is not something that I enjoy. OK, that may be a lie. In fact it is a lie. Being a fanboy is fraught with difficulty. It requires a complete devotion and the emu-like ability to completely ignore what everyone else says, and most especially, complete ignorance of facts.
I recently had the displeasure of seeing a fanboy in action on the YouTubes. He was in no short terms, a moran. The video in question, available here, starts off with the neanderthal claiming that not only do Sony do what they do (is it possible for them to NOT do what they do?) but that they also do not advertise. They don't? I beg to differ, in fact, the truth begs to differ also. The user name, ELPRESADOR, possibly all in caps because he can't not shout, seems completely oblivious to fact driven argument. In fact I indulged myself in such an argument with him for the space of one day. I say argument, but that would imply that there was some point of dispute as opposed to what actually happened. He was wrong and I was right.
ELPRESADOR also seems to have two chins in said video. He is a strange one nonetheless. A classic example of neanderthal man with the sloping brow and all. Also, he spends most of that video crying. I think it's supposed to be an impression of someone without a PS3 who can't play Killzone 2, although it could just be the face of a man who has just had the sad realisation dawn upon him that he has been played like a flute by an excellent marketing team. For those of you that do not know what Killzone 2 is, it's a PS3 'exclusive' game that is immensely overhyped and not actually as good it could have been. The render lag is bad enough.
The mark of a man's intellectual ability can be easily measured by the quantity of swear words used in 'comebacks'. These are those verbal ripostes and parries that any such argument flits between. Stephen Fry would never have to use one, as he has the intellect of several men combined. ELPRESADOR however seems to do nothing BUT swear. Any attempt to goad him into the realms of rational argument was greeted with calls of 'faggot' and 'c$%& sucker'. I almost feel sorry for him.
Not only are Sony loosing the console war in a spectacular way, along with Microsoft, but they do not even have the good grace to bow out with some form of dignity intact. It is a pity. It means more fanboys.
Sony also seems to have the most fanatical of the fanboys too. They seem to think that as the PS3 has a Blu-Ray player, that is basically the end of the argument. Why so? I would attempt at this point to formalise some kind of rational argument as to why that meant they had actually been duped into early adoption of something that will not really be very useful for another three years, but why bother? A fanboy would just tell me that I was angry that I had bought an XBOX360. The Sony fanboys believe that anyone that does not love Sony with every quantum of their being, must be a Microsoft fanboy. These are the people that post videos on YouTube using Microsoft windows. Talk about sleeping with the enemy.
In a recent forum post, a fanboy of Sony asked if the PS3 version of a game was going to be better than the 360 version of the game. Obviously the PS3 is superior to the 360 as it just is. No logical reasoning. Another poster said this in response.
"No amount of programming will give the PS3 more memory"
How right they were. A brief search of wikipedia shows that the PS3 actually has half the amount of RAM the 360 does. Sure the PS3 has two different types of RAM that when added up equals the same amount as the 360, but it can't all be used in the same way. I really want to try to explain further, but as fanboys do not regard truth with the same crystal clear goggles as the rest of humanity, why bother? To those who would say that the PS3 has 8 cpu's, and the 360 only 3. I would say yes. But as a maker of games, you are only allowed to use 5 of them, which puts the processing power waaaaaaaay behind those 3 in the 360 that are actually useful.
If you are in any doubt as to which console is better, have a little try out on the controllers. The 360 seems to have springs loaded into the thumbsticks. It offers some resistance. That's exactly what you want if you are going to be playing a FPS game. The Sony controller feels like there is jelly loaded into the thumbsticks.
If there are any fanboys out there that are reading this. GO AWAY. Also, I would like to point out that I do not own a 360 or PS3. They are both equally crap for playing FPS, especially compared to a PC's control method. Or even the Wii for that matter.
Fanboys are also under a complete delusion that console manufacturers have their best interest at heart. They do not. They LOVE money. They are labouring under the misapprehension that they would not lie to them. Killzone 2 is actually a very good example of this. In order to build hype around the game, Sony showed off a video years ago that was meant to be 'in-game footage'. It looked totally sweet. Even I thought it looked totally sweet. It did. That was because it was anything but in-game footage. It was a pre-rendered video, like Toy Story. Sony did not loose a wink of sleep. The fanboys went wild. It was party central for PS3 owners. Then the lie was exposed. The fanboys went into a kind of hibernation. A controlled slumber. They shut their eyes and ears to all negative commentary levelled at the lie. Some of them I'm sure even maintained that the lie was just the liberal media bias, out to get Sony, racist as they were.
What idiots.
If you think for a second that your favourite company would not lie to you to improve their bottom line when they have a 'hardcore' and loyal fanbase, think again. If you think that any company in the world would not fire you if it improved their bottom line, think again. They would and they have.
Fanboy territory is even more rugged than the console fanboys when the subject of stars is introduced. Yes, you guessed it. Star Wars vs Star Trek. This is nerdology at it's finest. Who would win in a fight, the borg or the empire. Darth Vader vs Captain Kirk. Han Solo vs Spock. Princess Leia in the gold bikini vs T'pol. These are all obvious answers (Empire, Kirk, Solo and T'pol in that order).
There is only ONE good thing that has fanboy as a name in this world. It is the movie by Kyle Newman. It is out now. I highly recommend you see it.
I am a moderator in one of those most vicious of message boards, an Internet forum. Forums are supposed to be for like minded individuals posting things of relevant interest for all the community. They rarely live up to this expectation. Most of the time they are vitriol (one of my personal interests) infested pits of the worst part of the Internet. The part that is not free movies via bit torrent or porn. So about 2% then.
Fanboys, wikipedia would have us believe, are people that are devoted to one single subject in an emotional and fanatical manner. In fact it may be true to say that I am a vitriol fanboy. But let's not.
I have to come into contact with fanboys on a regular basis, and it is not something that I enjoy. OK, that may be a lie. In fact it is a lie. Being a fanboy is fraught with difficulty. It requires a complete devotion and the emu-like ability to completely ignore what everyone else says, and most especially, complete ignorance of facts.
I recently had the displeasure of seeing a fanboy in action on the YouTubes. He was in no short terms, a moran. The video in question, available here, starts off with the neanderthal claiming that not only do Sony do what they do (is it possible for them to NOT do what they do?) but that they also do not advertise. They don't? I beg to differ, in fact, the truth begs to differ also. The user name, ELPRESADOR, possibly all in caps because he can't not shout, seems completely oblivious to fact driven argument. In fact I indulged myself in such an argument with him for the space of one day. I say argument, but that would imply that there was some point of dispute as opposed to what actually happened. He was wrong and I was right.
ELPRESADOR also seems to have two chins in said video. He is a strange one nonetheless. A classic example of neanderthal man with the sloping brow and all. Also, he spends most of that video crying. I think it's supposed to be an impression of someone without a PS3 who can't play Killzone 2, although it could just be the face of a man who has just had the sad realisation dawn upon him that he has been played like a flute by an excellent marketing team. For those of you that do not know what Killzone 2 is, it's a PS3 'exclusive' game that is immensely overhyped and not actually as good it could have been. The render lag is bad enough.
The mark of a man's intellectual ability can be easily measured by the quantity of swear words used in 'comebacks'. These are those verbal ripostes and parries that any such argument flits between. Stephen Fry would never have to use one, as he has the intellect of several men combined. ELPRESADOR however seems to do nothing BUT swear. Any attempt to goad him into the realms of rational argument was greeted with calls of 'faggot' and 'c$%& sucker'. I almost feel sorry for him.
Not only are Sony loosing the console war in a spectacular way, along with Microsoft, but they do not even have the good grace to bow out with some form of dignity intact. It is a pity. It means more fanboys.
Sony also seems to have the most fanatical of the fanboys too. They seem to think that as the PS3 has a Blu-Ray player, that is basically the end of the argument. Why so? I would attempt at this point to formalise some kind of rational argument as to why that meant they had actually been duped into early adoption of something that will not really be very useful for another three years, but why bother? A fanboy would just tell me that I was angry that I had bought an XBOX360. The Sony fanboys believe that anyone that does not love Sony with every quantum of their being, must be a Microsoft fanboy. These are the people that post videos on YouTube using Microsoft windows. Talk about sleeping with the enemy.
In a recent forum post, a fanboy of Sony asked if the PS3 version of a game was going to be better than the 360 version of the game. Obviously the PS3 is superior to the 360 as it just is. No logical reasoning. Another poster said this in response.
"No amount of programming will give the PS3 more memory"
How right they were. A brief search of wikipedia shows that the PS3 actually has half the amount of RAM the 360 does. Sure the PS3 has two different types of RAM that when added up equals the same amount as the 360, but it can't all be used in the same way. I really want to try to explain further, but as fanboys do not regard truth with the same crystal clear goggles as the rest of humanity, why bother? To those who would say that the PS3 has 8 cpu's, and the 360 only 3. I would say yes. But as a maker of games, you are only allowed to use 5 of them, which puts the processing power waaaaaaaay behind those 3 in the 360 that are actually useful.
If you are in any doubt as to which console is better, have a little try out on the controllers. The 360 seems to have springs loaded into the thumbsticks. It offers some resistance. That's exactly what you want if you are going to be playing a FPS game. The Sony controller feels like there is jelly loaded into the thumbsticks.
If there are any fanboys out there that are reading this. GO AWAY. Also, I would like to point out that I do not own a 360 or PS3. They are both equally crap for playing FPS, especially compared to a PC's control method. Or even the Wii for that matter.
Fanboys are also under a complete delusion that console manufacturers have their best interest at heart. They do not. They LOVE money. They are labouring under the misapprehension that they would not lie to them. Killzone 2 is actually a very good example of this. In order to build hype around the game, Sony showed off a video years ago that was meant to be 'in-game footage'. It looked totally sweet. Even I thought it looked totally sweet. It did. That was because it was anything but in-game footage. It was a pre-rendered video, like Toy Story. Sony did not loose a wink of sleep. The fanboys went wild. It was party central for PS3 owners. Then the lie was exposed. The fanboys went into a kind of hibernation. A controlled slumber. They shut their eyes and ears to all negative commentary levelled at the lie. Some of them I'm sure even maintained that the lie was just the liberal media bias, out to get Sony, racist as they were.
What idiots.
If you think for a second that your favourite company would not lie to you to improve their bottom line when they have a 'hardcore' and loyal fanbase, think again. If you think that any company in the world would not fire you if it improved their bottom line, think again. They would and they have.
Fanboy territory is even more rugged than the console fanboys when the subject of stars is introduced. Yes, you guessed it. Star Wars vs Star Trek. This is nerdology at it's finest. Who would win in a fight, the borg or the empire. Darth Vader vs Captain Kirk. Han Solo vs Spock. Princess Leia in the gold bikini vs T'pol. These are all obvious answers (Empire, Kirk, Solo and T'pol in that order).
There is only ONE good thing that has fanboy as a name in this world. It is the movie by Kyle Newman. It is out now. I highly recommend you see it.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Why Shellshock 2 Shucks.
Eidos latest greatest video game title was revealed to the European game playing, and more importantly paying, public on the 13th of February. Yes, that is Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th has not been, if anecdotal evidence is queried, a good day for anything to happen, unless your name happens to be Jason Voorhees and you like kids, cornfields and drunken parties.
In fact, playing Shellshock 2: Blood Trails in a cornfield is probably the best place to initiate such an activity, as cornfields are notable for having no electricity supply, thereby forcing you to not play the game. Not playing Shell Shock 2 should be recommended by your doctor. Wanting to play it is an unhealthy habit. Not like smoking, that gives the promise of a long slow demise over time, or, if you are lucky, dieing quickly in a house fire started by one of your not-quite-stubbed-out cigarette butts, because playing Shellshock 2 is something that you will NEVER forget, but will always want to. What has been seen cannot be unseen. You may even long for death afterwards. No, in fact, you will.
Some back ground perhaps.
Shellshock 2: Blood Trails is the culmination of four and a half years of development by British developers Core Design. That may sound familiar, and so it should. They were the people who gave us the very first incarnation of Tomb Raider, back when the Saturn was the console of choice and Lara Croft was a mere handful of badly textured polygons.
It is the sequel to the extraordinarily mediocre Shellshock: Nam '67, which came out in 2004. The first game in the series sold to over 900,000 morans, I would be surprised if this most recent addition to the series sold 9.
According to an 'industry source', the development of the title can be surmised thusly. When Eidos let Crystal Dynamics take over the development of Tomb Raider, there was little for Core Design left to do, rather than make a sequel to their highly unacclaimed Vietnam shooter. In 2006, shortly after SCi LTD bought Eidos, they restructured somewhat. They let Core Design go for a song to Rebellion Developments as there was no need for an extraneous dev house. There was however one clause in this selling off of assets that stated that Core Design owed Eidos a "Next-Gen game".
I think you can begin to see where this is going. Now if I were Core Design, and owed someone a legacy game, and wished to get rid of that person sharpish, I would fob them off with something that was originally destined for the PlayStation 2. Something that no-one wanted, like a quadriplegic puppy with lactose intolerance. Shellshock 2 seems to be this very game. Four and a half years cannot save something that does not want to be saved. You can polish that turd all you want, but the turd is still there, albeit gleaming and shiny, a turd remains none the less.
If you have not seen any Shellshock 2 footage, purchased the game or even heard of it, allow me to enlighten you as to its grandeur.
It features level design of the flawed variety. Not flawed in some minor way, say a particular choke point that is more difficult than most to overcome, but flawed from the outset. The kind of level design that pains you to have to trudge through. The kind that makes you long for Left4Dead.
The levels are not only flawed in the empty phase, before they are filled with AI's, players and scripting, but afterwards too. There are some set pieces in the game, the kind where you must defend a position until for some reason you have magically accomplished something unseen and probably mystical, which triggers the game to allow you to progress forwards. The set pieces never feel like fun, they just seem to be devised as a means of extending the gameplay by forcing you to stay in one spot. If you can't move, you can't complain. Unless you look around you that is. Then you will find plenty to complain about. The obvious spawn points behind trees or rock outcroppings that send the same surges of enemies towards you again and again until you realise you must cross the invisible boundary etched into the floor by a scripter. Once past this point, the enemies seem to become adverse to you in the way that Fox News are adverse to reason.
The AI is what people 'in the industry' call abysmal. Actually, no, anyone would call it that. They seem to follow the same paths, relentlessly seeking their targets. You may note when playing that they can always see you. No matter where you may be, behind rocks, taking cover in thick bushes or tree trunks. They can always see you, and find it physically impossible to miss. I thought the days of this were over, what with the Conflict Series apparently ended. I was wrong. But I would rather be proved wrong, and that Eidos can still push out such trite than have them shock me with a genuinely good title. I am too young to die from a shock induced heart attack. Sometimes they may be so far away and hidden that the only way to locate the enemy is by using your damage indicator as a sort of 'pain radar', allowing you to locate the source of annoyance and eliminate it (in this case it is the game, not an errant AI).
The textures are amazingly of the 'Next-Gen-Brown' palette, despite this being set in a jungle. You read right, there is more brown than green in this game. This is the kind of texture and palette that I could create in MSPaint, with no hands. Or arms. Or Legs. In fact sheer force of would produce viscerally better results than that which is presented in Shellshock 2.
The shooting part, let's be clear about this, the main part of the game, is even worse than you could imagine. Even worse than the visible render lag in Killzone 2 that was passed off by the developers as them making it 'heavy' to increase 'realism'. It feels like your gun is wandering through a vat of treacle. A twitch based treacle, if you can even imagine such a thing. Bobbins, absolutely bobbins. There is not a single thing that appeals about it. One reviewer said this of the frag grenades,
"Throwing grenades is a complete lottery, and the explosive effect is roughly akin to a firework you'd take back to the shop for a refund."
If that is not enough to put you off, then I don't know what is. A colleague of mine thought that, perhaps, for a change, I should not focus on the negative, but on the positive aspects of the game. In my soul, I find nothing that could be represented as positive, but after trawling through reviews, I did come up with one. The loading times. They seem to be mercifully long. So long in fact that you may eventually get tired of waiting and put the controller down and do something else instead. Something validating with your life. Playing this game is not that.
It's not even like Eidos did not know. They knew. I know they knew because several people told them. They chose to ignore those people and put this offal out. I do hope Square Enix are pleased with their expansion into the western gaming market.
A friend of mine in the UK recently over heard someone talking about this very title in a well known Game selling outlet. They said that they "Can't wait to play it, it'll be like a deeper Resident Evil 5, but better cus it's FPS". That will be one of the 9 sales right there then. Only eight to go!
If for some reason you do not believe me, not only are you wrong, but I would like to draw your attention to the ever present Metacritic ratings for this game. The PC version is not out for another three weeks, presumably to add that last feces covering veneer, but the reviews are in and averaged for the PS3 and the Xbox360. At the time of writing the PS3 leads the pack with an average of 34%. One of the Ps3 reviews went so far as to award a 2/10. Here are a few select quotes just in case you are still having a hard time (I'm talking to you 'deeper than resident evil 5' man) figuring this one out.
"Had this been released five years ago it would still have stood out as a poorly made FPS" - VideoGamer
"Shellshock 2: Blood Trails is an insolvent try to bring back to life a forgettable war franchise, changing its context to the horror style. No matter from which angle you choose to look at Blood Trails, it’s a horrendous videogame. Boring, exasperating, and ugly in the most literal sense of the word." - 3DJuegos
"Up against World at War, Killzone 2 and Halo 3, it's a complete joke. The worst FPS I've played since Turning Point: Fall of Liberty." - Eurogamer
"Shellshock 2 is one of the most poorly designed and unplayable games this generation." - X360 Magazine UK
"Miserable graphics, poor sound and a story which isn’t able to fascinate – this game is a no-go. Maybe the king of no-gos. Don’t play this title, it will definitely be wasted time." - GamingXP
"The Vietnam War has never seemed so horrific in this shockingly poor first person shooter." - Teletext GamerCentral
Teletext! Even a text based free to TV service recognises what most of us can see without the aid of eyes! Shellshock 2 Shucks. There isn't even Multiplayer in it.
As one commentator said. It should be called Shellshock 2/10.
Do not buy this game. I will find you if you do.
In fact, playing Shellshock 2: Blood Trails in a cornfield is probably the best place to initiate such an activity, as cornfields are notable for having no electricity supply, thereby forcing you to not play the game. Not playing Shell Shock 2 should be recommended by your doctor. Wanting to play it is an unhealthy habit. Not like smoking, that gives the promise of a long slow demise over time, or, if you are lucky, dieing quickly in a house fire started by one of your not-quite-stubbed-out cigarette butts, because playing Shellshock 2 is something that you will NEVER forget, but will always want to. What has been seen cannot be unseen. You may even long for death afterwards. No, in fact, you will.
Some back ground perhaps.
Shellshock 2: Blood Trails is the culmination of four and a half years of development by British developers Core Design. That may sound familiar, and so it should. They were the people who gave us the very first incarnation of Tomb Raider, back when the Saturn was the console of choice and Lara Croft was a mere handful of badly textured polygons.
It is the sequel to the extraordinarily mediocre Shellshock: Nam '67, which came out in 2004. The first game in the series sold to over 900,000 morans, I would be surprised if this most recent addition to the series sold 9.
According to an 'industry source', the development of the title can be surmised thusly. When Eidos let Crystal Dynamics take over the development of Tomb Raider, there was little for Core Design left to do, rather than make a sequel to their highly unacclaimed Vietnam shooter. In 2006, shortly after SCi LTD bought Eidos, they restructured somewhat. They let Core Design go for a song to Rebellion Developments as there was no need for an extraneous dev house. There was however one clause in this selling off of assets that stated that Core Design owed Eidos a "Next-Gen game".
I think you can begin to see where this is going. Now if I were Core Design, and owed someone a legacy game, and wished to get rid of that person sharpish, I would fob them off with something that was originally destined for the PlayStation 2. Something that no-one wanted, like a quadriplegic puppy with lactose intolerance. Shellshock 2 seems to be this very game. Four and a half years cannot save something that does not want to be saved. You can polish that turd all you want, but the turd is still there, albeit gleaming and shiny, a turd remains none the less.
If you have not seen any Shellshock 2 footage, purchased the game or even heard of it, allow me to enlighten you as to its grandeur.
It features level design of the flawed variety. Not flawed in some minor way, say a particular choke point that is more difficult than most to overcome, but flawed from the outset. The kind of level design that pains you to have to trudge through. The kind that makes you long for Left4Dead.
The levels are not only flawed in the empty phase, before they are filled with AI's, players and scripting, but afterwards too. There are some set pieces in the game, the kind where you must defend a position until for some reason you have magically accomplished something unseen and probably mystical, which triggers the game to allow you to progress forwards. The set pieces never feel like fun, they just seem to be devised as a means of extending the gameplay by forcing you to stay in one spot. If you can't move, you can't complain. Unless you look around you that is. Then you will find plenty to complain about. The obvious spawn points behind trees or rock outcroppings that send the same surges of enemies towards you again and again until you realise you must cross the invisible boundary etched into the floor by a scripter. Once past this point, the enemies seem to become adverse to you in the way that Fox News are adverse to reason.
The AI is what people 'in the industry' call abysmal. Actually, no, anyone would call it that. They seem to follow the same paths, relentlessly seeking their targets. You may note when playing that they can always see you. No matter where you may be, behind rocks, taking cover in thick bushes or tree trunks. They can always see you, and find it physically impossible to miss. I thought the days of this were over, what with the Conflict Series apparently ended. I was wrong. But I would rather be proved wrong, and that Eidos can still push out such trite than have them shock me with a genuinely good title. I am too young to die from a shock induced heart attack. Sometimes they may be so far away and hidden that the only way to locate the enemy is by using your damage indicator as a sort of 'pain radar', allowing you to locate the source of annoyance and eliminate it (in this case it is the game, not an errant AI).
The textures are amazingly of the 'Next-Gen-Brown' palette, despite this being set in a jungle. You read right, there is more brown than green in this game. This is the kind of texture and palette that I could create in MSPaint, with no hands. Or arms. Or Legs. In fact sheer force of would produce viscerally better results than that which is presented in Shellshock 2.
The shooting part, let's be clear about this, the main part of the game, is even worse than you could imagine. Even worse than the visible render lag in Killzone 2 that was passed off by the developers as them making it 'heavy' to increase 'realism'. It feels like your gun is wandering through a vat of treacle. A twitch based treacle, if you can even imagine such a thing. Bobbins, absolutely bobbins. There is not a single thing that appeals about it. One reviewer said this of the frag grenades,
"Throwing grenades is a complete lottery, and the explosive effect is roughly akin to a firework you'd take back to the shop for a refund."
If that is not enough to put you off, then I don't know what is. A colleague of mine thought that, perhaps, for a change, I should not focus on the negative, but on the positive aspects of the game. In my soul, I find nothing that could be represented as positive, but after trawling through reviews, I did come up with one. The loading times. They seem to be mercifully long. So long in fact that you may eventually get tired of waiting and put the controller down and do something else instead. Something validating with your life. Playing this game is not that.
It's not even like Eidos did not know. They knew. I know they knew because several people told them. They chose to ignore those people and put this offal out. I do hope Square Enix are pleased with their expansion into the western gaming market.
A friend of mine in the UK recently over heard someone talking about this very title in a well known Game selling outlet. They said that they "Can't wait to play it, it'll be like a deeper Resident Evil 5, but better cus it's FPS". That will be one of the 9 sales right there then. Only eight to go!
If for some reason you do not believe me, not only are you wrong, but I would like to draw your attention to the ever present Metacritic ratings for this game. The PC version is not out for another three weeks, presumably to add that last feces covering veneer, but the reviews are in and averaged for the PS3 and the Xbox360. At the time of writing the PS3 leads the pack with an average of 34%. One of the Ps3 reviews went so far as to award a 2/10. Here are a few select quotes just in case you are still having a hard time (I'm talking to you 'deeper than resident evil 5' man) figuring this one out.
"Had this been released five years ago it would still have stood out as a poorly made FPS" - VideoGamer
"Shellshock 2: Blood Trails is an insolvent try to bring back to life a forgettable war franchise, changing its context to the horror style. No matter from which angle you choose to look at Blood Trails, it’s a horrendous videogame. Boring, exasperating, and ugly in the most literal sense of the word." - 3DJuegos
"Up against World at War, Killzone 2 and Halo 3, it's a complete joke. The worst FPS I've played since Turning Point: Fall of Liberty." - Eurogamer
"Shellshock 2 is one of the most poorly designed and unplayable games this generation." - X360 Magazine UK
"Miserable graphics, poor sound and a story which isn’t able to fascinate – this game is a no-go. Maybe the king of no-gos. Don’t play this title, it will definitely be wasted time." - GamingXP
"The Vietnam War has never seemed so horrific in this shockingly poor first person shooter." - Teletext GamerCentral
Teletext! Even a text based free to TV service recognises what most of us can see without the aid of eyes! Shellshock 2 Shucks. There isn't even Multiplayer in it.
As one commentator said. It should be called Shellshock 2/10.
Do not buy this game. I will find you if you do.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Prank Calls
Some prank calls are hilarious. The few select that are usually involve someone with an Arnold Schwarzenegger sound board calling people up and asking them for pizza. Either that or just phoning someone up and playing this down the phone.
Then there are other prank calls. The ones that get to your PC.
Some of you reading this may not know this, but you are being prank called right now. Allow me to explain. Your computer connects to the Internet. It does this not by one small connection, but by hundreds, if not thousands of connections. They are called ports. They are not secure against people making calls to those ports. If your computer receives one such call to a port, it invariably gives away something about your computer. This could range from the fact that there is actually something there to respond, to the operating system you are using to much, much more sensitive data.
If for some unbeknownst reason you wish not to receive such prank calls, there is something that you can do. You cannot however become ex-directory as with your phone line. You must annex their access to your ports.
I have done with with the program Peer Guardian 2 (PG2). This little program and their delightful owners keep records of all the worst prank callers and will, free of charge, update your copy of PG2 and stop these menacing people from accessing your most delicate information.
It is completely free of charge in all respects, and I would whole heartedly recommend that you download it. You may not think that your computer warrants such attention from anyone, but think again. In order for this entry to be as accurate as possible, I took it upon myself to experiment in this regard. I prepared the following. A brand new PC with a brand new copy of (swedish) Windoze installed. I transferred the PG2 software to it via USB stick so as to have never connected to the Internet before the experiment began.
Let us review. I made a Windoze PC with only the PG2 software installed. It was virginal. I hooked it up to the Internet and must warn you now that the results may shock you. In the very first hour there were no less than NINETY THOUSAND connections made to the ports of the PC. That is more than 20 a second. Not all these connections were blocked by the software, some of them coming from the ISP that I use. Some of them harmless. A lot of them less so.
I partook in no web browsing what so ever. No online games were played. Nothing other than hooking it up to the Internet and updating the "blocked lists" of the PG2 software.
Here are some examples of the type of people that were blocked in the first hour, in no particular order.
Time Warner Telecom - Who the hell? You have a telecoms unit within the business? You make Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. You do not make prank calls. Or at least you didn't until now. Chuff off.
Kettering University - The only outstanding thing about Kettering (a town in the UK) is that it is the home to Kettering Cement. Perhaps the university is a training ground for future cement engineers. Or perhaps it is the training ground for home grown cyber terrorist cells. Who can say? If they stop prank calling me, then perhaps I could be bothered to find out.
University of Essex - At first I thought this was a joke. The words Essex and University do not belong in the same sentence. If you are not from the UK allow me to illuminate you with regards to its reputation. The most memorable and accurate joke regarding the ladies of Essex runs thusly:
Q: Why does an Essex girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
If that was not enough of a hint, then I would urge you to check the wikipedia link for the university here that allows you to view their motto. "Thought the harder, heart the keener". The very sentence could be composed in Internet speech and emoticons. Disgraceful. They probably do not even know what a port is, let alone how to ping one.
Vodafone Interactive - Why oh why are you looking for me on the Internet? Your abysmal signal coverage and over zealous charging 'schemes' have already alienated me from your customer base. You will get no money out of me. In fact I shall take it upon myself to attempt to alienate more people from it. You have just paid money to make this happen Vodafone. I do sincerely hope you learn your lesson.
Catholic University of Chile - Now I know you are in South America, the continent of love, but that that gives you no recourse to just go about randomly spamming peoples ports. Is there not something in the bible about this? Was God so shortsighted that He did not see the Internet coming? Is this activity something that you cover in confession? I would damn you to the ninth circle of hell, with all the traitors and mutineers.
THE LAW OFFICES OF ROBERT M. ASPAN - You may at first glance, once the brilliant, blinding rays of the CAPS LOCK induced text wear off, think that perhaps my pinkie slipped and I was just too lazy to change it. You would be wrong. Just like the lights get turned off in Bob's Country Bunker in the best film of all time, those letters are in capitals on purpose. This means that not only is Mr. Aspan Internet retarded, but that he is out of touch with the very medium he uses. I think that Mr. R.M. Aspan was probably teased a lot as a child. Having a name that takes the best parts of the anatomy and combines them with a cooking vessel, most likely prompted the juvenile anger and a career trajectory of Mr ButtWok that would ensure that all those that teased him were at some point put behind bars by him. If I was called a BumSkillet, I would probably harbour a deep and varied hatred towards life and want to suppress it by becoming a lawyer. Stop spamming my ports Robert Asshat.
I have left out about 1000 less humerous names, 50% of which seem to be universities. Perhaps they recognise my genius and wish to seek my opinion on matters of national, nay international import. Perhaps University computers are just the worst protected on the Internet and they have all fallen pray to zombie bot net incursion and inclusion.
In short, the moral of this lesson (or marble if you are Eddie Izzard) is to get Peer Guardian 2. Install it and take joy in the large numbers of rejected prank phone calls you get. Either that or hire Arnie or Mr T. to prank call them back and see how they like it.
Then there are other prank calls. The ones that get to your PC.
Some of you reading this may not know this, but you are being prank called right now. Allow me to explain. Your computer connects to the Internet. It does this not by one small connection, but by hundreds, if not thousands of connections. They are called ports. They are not secure against people making calls to those ports. If your computer receives one such call to a port, it invariably gives away something about your computer. This could range from the fact that there is actually something there to respond, to the operating system you are using to much, much more sensitive data.
If for some unbeknownst reason you wish not to receive such prank calls, there is something that you can do. You cannot however become ex-directory as with your phone line. You must annex their access to your ports.
I have done with with the program Peer Guardian 2 (PG2). This little program and their delightful owners keep records of all the worst prank callers and will, free of charge, update your copy of PG2 and stop these menacing people from accessing your most delicate information.
It is completely free of charge in all respects, and I would whole heartedly recommend that you download it. You may not think that your computer warrants such attention from anyone, but think again. In order for this entry to be as accurate as possible, I took it upon myself to experiment in this regard. I prepared the following. A brand new PC with a brand new copy of (swedish) Windoze installed. I transferred the PG2 software to it via USB stick so as to have never connected to the Internet before the experiment began.
Let us review. I made a Windoze PC with only the PG2 software installed. It was virginal. I hooked it up to the Internet and must warn you now that the results may shock you. In the very first hour there were no less than NINETY THOUSAND connections made to the ports of the PC. That is more than 20 a second. Not all these connections were blocked by the software, some of them coming from the ISP that I use. Some of them harmless. A lot of them less so.
I partook in no web browsing what so ever. No online games were played. Nothing other than hooking it up to the Internet and updating the "blocked lists" of the PG2 software.
Here are some examples of the type of people that were blocked in the first hour, in no particular order.
Time Warner Telecom - Who the hell? You have a telecoms unit within the business? You make Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. You do not make prank calls. Or at least you didn't until now. Chuff off.
Kettering University - The only outstanding thing about Kettering (a town in the UK) is that it is the home to Kettering Cement. Perhaps the university is a training ground for future cement engineers. Or perhaps it is the training ground for home grown cyber terrorist cells. Who can say? If they stop prank calling me, then perhaps I could be bothered to find out.
University of Essex - At first I thought this was a joke. The words Essex and University do not belong in the same sentence. If you are not from the UK allow me to illuminate you with regards to its reputation. The most memorable and accurate joke regarding the ladies of Essex runs thusly:
Q: Why does an Essex girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
If that was not enough of a hint, then I would urge you to check the wikipedia link for the university here that allows you to view their motto. "Thought the harder, heart the keener". The very sentence could be composed in Internet speech and emoticons. Disgraceful. They probably do not even know what a port is, let alone how to ping one.
Vodafone Interactive - Why oh why are you looking for me on the Internet? Your abysmal signal coverage and over zealous charging 'schemes' have already alienated me from your customer base. You will get no money out of me. In fact I shall take it upon myself to attempt to alienate more people from it. You have just paid money to make this happen Vodafone. I do sincerely hope you learn your lesson.
Catholic University of Chile - Now I know you are in South America, the continent of love, but that that gives you no recourse to just go about randomly spamming peoples ports. Is there not something in the bible about this? Was God so shortsighted that He did not see the Internet coming? Is this activity something that you cover in confession? I would damn you to the ninth circle of hell, with all the traitors and mutineers.
THE LAW OFFICES OF ROBERT M. ASPAN - You may at first glance, once the brilliant, blinding rays of the CAPS LOCK induced text wear off, think that perhaps my pinkie slipped and I was just too lazy to change it. You would be wrong. Just like the lights get turned off in Bob's Country Bunker in the best film of all time, those letters are in capitals on purpose. This means that not only is Mr. Aspan Internet retarded, but that he is out of touch with the very medium he uses. I think that Mr. R.M. Aspan was probably teased a lot as a child. Having a name that takes the best parts of the anatomy and combines them with a cooking vessel, most likely prompted the juvenile anger and a career trajectory of Mr ButtWok that would ensure that all those that teased him were at some point put behind bars by him. If I was called a BumSkillet, I would probably harbour a deep and varied hatred towards life and want to suppress it by becoming a lawyer. Stop spamming my ports Robert Asshat.
I have left out about 1000 less humerous names, 50% of which seem to be universities. Perhaps they recognise my genius and wish to seek my opinion on matters of national, nay international import. Perhaps University computers are just the worst protected on the Internet and they have all fallen pray to zombie bot net incursion and inclusion.
In short, the moral of this lesson (or marble if you are Eddie Izzard) is to get Peer Guardian 2. Install it and take joy in the large numbers of rejected prank phone calls you get. Either that or hire Arnie or Mr T. to prank call them back and see how they like it.
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