Thursday, 22 April 2010

Popularity Contests

Imagine the worst thing that could happen to you. Yes, absolutely right. You are a multi-billionaire with the world almost completely at your feet. You have paid to install your man in the position at the top of the government, and for some reason, the voters think that you shouldn’t get your way after you paid all that money. They think they have a right to pick who they want. Unfathomable, I know.

In the UK right now there is a race on. A race for the top.

It’s election time.

Some brief history. Labour have been in power for a long time. Since 1997. Before that it was the Conservatives, or more colloquially, the tories. I was not even alive the last time the Liberal Democrats were in power.

There are three people in charge of these three parties. Gordon Brown is in charge of the Labour party, the party most likely to fall from power. David Cameron is in charge of the Conservatives, and has for a long time been the front runner in taking pole position. Nick Clegg is in charge of the Liberal Democrats, now poised to do considerably better than they were predicted to.

Now back to our nightmarish society. You are a multi-billionaire media mogul. You own several newspapers in the UK, and a lot of TV channels. You have in the past, judged the political climate, and come up with your winner. You pick David Cameron, as you know Gordon Brown and the Labour party are on the way out. It’s obvious. That leaves two parties left. The Lib Dems have around 16% support on a good sunny day, and the tories pick up around 40% of the vote, way outstripping the Labour party.

You have your winning horse. You back the Tories. You even meet with the Tory top dog and basically tell him that as long as the business climate in the UK remains favorable for you, that he will win with the support pledged by your news outlets. Basically, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

Let us not forget that democracy is a far from perfect method. A perfect method would be a meritocracy. Democracy is a popularity contest. It’s the political equivalent version of Miss World. Really. That is what you have signed up for.

A newspaper shouting out that one guy is the good guy and one guy is the bad guy is just a way of manipulating said popularity contest. We call them elections.

This is just the situation we find ourselves in until about a week ago. Everything was running to plan. The public were being fed perfectly good ‘versions’ of the truth. The Tories were in first place, Labour were second and the Lib Dems were taking up the last position.

Then the unthinkable happens. Someone lets the public listen to what they have to say. It’s like someone doesn’t want your carefully laid out plans to succeed. Who would do such a thing!?

A Political debate occurred. A Televised debate. They have been having them in the US for years. Decades. We are still catching up in the UK.

Shamefully, the public watched this ridiculous notion of democracy in action. Then, horror of horrors, they started to have opinions.

This angered Rupert Murdoch our imaginary multi-billionaire, as the public started to like the Liberal Democrat leader much, much more than the guy you wanted in the top spot.

What to do, what to do?

Got it!

Use your prodigious media outlets to attack this Liberal Democrat leader as much as possible. Throw as much muck as you can find and hope desperately that some of it sticks. Maybe that way, some people will believe the crap and lies you are publicizing.

The two best possible outlets you could use are The Sun, ‘Britain’s biggest selling newspaper’ (probably nothing to do with the breasts on the third page) and the Daily Mail, also called the Daily Fail by anyone with a brain.

Lo! Behold! Stand in rapture at your glorious prediction come to life!

The day of the next televised debate, the headline of the Daily Fail is something obscure about the leader of the Lib Dems making Nazi slurs against Britain! Read no further! Make a snap judgement that the Lib Dems are bad! Back the Tories! Subtext your heart out!

Obviously it turned out to be a ‘news scoop’ from 2002. 8 whole years ago, where Nick Clegg said that the UK could not rely on past glories and that to have a better economy than Germany, we would have to pull our socks up, so to speak.

NAZI! NAZI! OBVIOUS NAZI IS OBVIOUS!

The Nazi’s would tell you what to think! They were evil! Completely unlike Rupert Murdoch our imaginary multi-billionaire media tycoon.

What could possibly adorn the front page of The Sun? Perhaps some glowing review of the Lib Dem party leader? Of course not. This is the greatest threat to our imaginary multi-billionaires choice for top man. Sink him!

“Clegg on his face” Do you see what they did there? They used his name to make fun of him. Like this. Rupert the Murderer-is-a-Cock. Do you see what I have done there?

If you read The Sun or The Daily Mail a lot, then the chances are you do not.

1 comment:

Byron said...

Your disagreement with the FACT that Nick Clegg IS a NAZI must make you a HOLOCAUST DENIER.
Tabloid logic is win!