Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Angels and... Just Don't

I am not trying to make this area of the Internet into a movie review site, but unfortunately people keep releasing utter trite dressed as movies. If they stopped, surely we as a race could then use movies to actually educate people in the matters of life, the universe and everything.

I have tried to warn Hollywood but, strangely, only received restraining orders from the studios I attempted to contact. It's almost like they don't want to know. It's the "I can't hear you so there is no problem" defense again.

Hollywood is guilty of using this defense more times than 'duck butter' was mentioned late at night in the Neverland Ranch. It has been used recently in the Pirate Bay trial, where record labels hired lawyers to shut down a site that they said "Allowed users to search for links to torrents for copyrighted material". It's not like there aren't others. The record labels just wanted to go for the flagship site. The one that couldn't afford lawyers as good as theirs. There is, in fact another site, much bigger and more popular than the Pirate Bay that allows this sort of thing.

The chances are you have heard of this site. Before I tell you what it is, bear this in mind. The ability to search for copyrighted material was the only charge the RIAA and MPAA could bring against the Pirate Bay, due, mainly to the fact that Sweden has sane copyright laws. The other site that allows this IS known to you. In fact the chances are, you have been there several times already today. Can you pin it down? Here is a hint.

www.google.com

Yup, that site allows you to search for links to copyrighted material too. But you won't find a lawsuit in the works from the MPAA or the RIAA. Oh no siree, that's not how bullies and sycophants work. But enough of this, onto Angerlols and Demunz. If you have not seen it, then read on for the spoilers so that I can save you two hours of your life. You will thank me for it later.

So, here is what happens. Serial novelist Dan Brown auctions off first novel to highest bidder after success of Da Vinci code. Tom Hanks' career is revived and reprises the role of the Symbologist. The Fonz's friend is brought in to direct the movie, to make it more 'serious'. Ewan MacGregor is brought in as the Pope's Son (not actually an oxymoron strangely) to add the popularity of the recent Star Wars tragedies. All in all, what could possibly go wrong?

Well the possibility that Dan Brown is not actually a scientist in any respect of the word probably should have been addressed. In all seriousness, he has proposed that the Vatican had first dibs on the LHC. Not the Large Hadron Collider that we all know and love, but one that follows this workflow.

LHC + Vatican 'scientists' = Anti-matter... Profit?

Now I'll admit that at the beginning of the film they were speaking French far too fast for me to understand what was going on, but I knew it was the LHC from the buildings they showed at the start. They then repeatedly mentioned the ATLAS and CMS detectors. Something all technologists, I would hope, are familiar with. Dr. Brian Cox certainly is. The Vatican 'scientists' (actually an oxymoron) make anti-matter by colliding protons together, then, well, that part is not explained. The anti-matter just sort of "arrives" in a container. One that is immediately stolen, and used as a bomb threat. Now the fact that this is all rowlocks should not alarm you. It is after all, a Dan Brown novel, made into some semblance of a film. It's the ridiculous inconsistencies throughout the film.

At one point, we are told the anti-matter containment field's batteries will power down after 24 hours, then later on that 'cold reduces battery power'. It makes you wonder why the anti-matter is origionally contained in a room near-bursting with liquid nitrogen valves. Surely that is quite dangerous?

The Vatican 'scientists' have obviously not watched enough movies either, as anyone that has ever watched a violent movie including the use of retinal scanners will be familiar with the age old trick of just removing someone's retina to grant access. The Vatican, amazingly, falls prey to this near-ancient idea.

I want to go on, but time is short, and so is my lunch time.

I will sum it up thusly though.

Ewan MacGregor's the bad guy. He doesn't want "science to have creation" i.e. find the God particle (Higgs Boson). Now despite the fact that Science already has the creation, in a provable, factual not "believe this because I say so" kind of way. He also gives his OK to the project in the first place. He wants it all to happen. It's like not wanting to give your neighbor some apples, then planting an apple tree in your garden, specifically so that the fruit falls into his backyard.

-1/10

2 comments:

LolaGirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LolaGirl said...

Hey! Loved the review or (anti review?) and I agree with you 2000% which isn't normally possible, but it is now cos I said it is :p

We watched the 'movie' quite recently in fact and I stared wide-eyed in amazement that they actually thought you could have anti-matter actually colide with something and better yet, you could contain what is essentially black hole making stuff with an electro-magnet.... scniff scniff, I smell... something altogether quite nasty ;)

Lisa (lolagirl10.wordpress.com)