Self-Service Checkouts

What a load of crap.

Never have I seen a more conscientious effort to save on money at the expense of the consumer than this. Well done Tesco, I applaud thee. You get my Ass-hat of the month award. Something that may become a more than annual award anytime soon.

I can imagine the board meeting.

Executive 1: How can we stop paying all these irritating wages and benefits to our staff? They're really going to cut into my bonus this year.

Executive 2: Robats?

Executive 1: Robots! Brilliant! Instead of providing a friendly customer-staff centric interaction that is pleasing for all, we can just do away with the staff and get robots in!

Executive 2: Robats?

Executive 1: Hell, we could even get the customers to do the job the staff were doing in the first place! That way the robots don't have to do too much!

Executive 2: Robats.

It's not like these self service checkouts have made things "faster and more efficient", unless you are looking at the now faster, more efficient profits Tesco is generating.

The interface seems to have been imagineered by a palsy-stricken child on Ritalin, without the natural aid of the eyes. To call it clunky would be to call Sarah Palin a great choice for government. Not only is the response time woefully absent in any form other than what seems like hours, but the menu flow is appalling. I thought this was the age of Pentium computers and such things. Designers must surely have been consulted in the creation of this abortion on programming? I mean everyone loves consultants.

One problem that has not been addressed though is that the self service tills still need regular, vanilla flavoured Humons to help out all the members of the public that become infuriated with the devices. Like a greeter at Walmart, except without the greeting, and just a slow burning loathing for the human race. I sense some ironing here.

Another gripe I have with this "improvement" is that it caters solely for baskets. There is no thought given to someone with a trolley. How to do a main shop in a place that caters only for those thinking perhaps a few hours in advance. Does it matter? Of course not! Profits will go up! Trebles all round!

Trebles that is, unless you are trying to purchase alcohol from a self-service checkout, which will happily chirrup at you that you are trying to buy an age restricted item, and that the help of an operator is required. Humon assistance. Doesn't that smell of some more ironing?

Other problems with having robats in our supermarkets include, but are not limited, to the following:

1) No more idle chit chat with the nice lady behind the checkout concerning how her youngest, Jimmy, is doing at school, now that the paedophilia charges have been dropped.

2) No more embarrassing price checks broadcast to the entire supermarket concerning one shoppers dubious personal hygiene. "Price check aisle 5. Terry how much does Vagi-fresh cost these days?"

3) No more choosing a line based solely on which of the checkout girls you would sleep with.

4) No more "Queue Strategy"

Stop it Tesco. You are making Eddie Izzard's amazing observational comedy obsolete for the next generation.